In the past two weeks, I've managed to ruin the most number of friendships I've ever ruined in my entire life, piss off an entire organization, let down my own organization and break the trust of an unknown number of people who matter. If there's a prize for most screw-ups in the shortest amount of time, my odds of clinching it are pretty good.
Call it inexperience or cowardice but I couldn't think of how to approach someone who I think does not want to talk to me. I don't want to brag but I didn't use to have many enemies, especially ones who I respect or fear -- dealing with them is a foreign concept. Right now, I realize that this should have been what I did first. However, I was weak and scared and I didn't know how to act so I followed my gut feeling. My first instinct was to tell someone I trust about how I feel. I know well enough that keeping things inside only makes things worse so I tried to confide in people who I thought could help me. So I did. It worked for a while until everything I've said came to bite me back in the ass.
I didn't share this with them to tell others. I kind of hoped that they would care for my feelings too, though, and valued the trust I put in them not to tell anyone else. Even before all this, I had a hard time trusting people and I experienced my first real brush with backstabbing just recently. However, I couldn't blame them for wanting to protect their other friends from my horrid thoughts. It would have been a lot less complicated if I wasn't so scared of confronting people about how they really felt about me. "Open communication is the key," is what I tell people who vent to me about similar problems. Why couldn't I follow my own advice? I don't know. I guess it's easier to dish out advice than to follow it, things are always easier said than done.
I suppose this is the consequence of having everything in your life go smoothly most of the time. It's probably the first time that I'm not on the receiving end of the rant-spectrum because I hardly ever go through things that merit any real comfort. I've seen so many friendships disintegrate in front of me and I always just thought that I would never have to go through that. There's an important lesson here and as painful as it is, now's a better time than any to learn it. Never mind that my birthday's coming soon or that I'm slated to graduate in two months. Never mind that my term in this org was so close to completion that I could have left it on a good note, with a good name. I deserve this for taking relationships for granted and for not knowing how to deal with things. Ignorance is never an excuse. I just wished that I didn't have to pay this large a price for it.