moronicus_kyla (moronicus_kyla) wrote,

Wow, I think I've hit an all-time low -- I actually searched for a way to kill myself and make it look like an accident.

It's always a funny thing to share your feelings with another person and have them tell you that you're stronger than you think, that you could overcome something somehow and that it's not the end of the world. I guess I appreciate the encouragement but without meaning to, people sound hollow, like they're speaking from a place vastly different from my own. I don't mean to belittle everyone's support but as it is, it means nothing to me.

Drawing from "inner strength" is easier said than done tbh. Like, what if you don't have any? How do you even do that? I used to think that looking at my experience in relation to those who have it worse would help. But lately, I can't seem to think of anyone but myself. It's pathetic and I hate myself even more for it. The more I think about how my situation is actually better than others, the more I feel like a failure for not being able to rise above it, the way other people have done.

Though to be honest, among the few reasons I haven't done anything harmful to myself is fear of what people would think about my friends or my family. I would never want them to feel that they were inadequate because they're really not the issue here. I'm the one who keeps making mistakes, the one who can't learn, the one who is too stubborn or lazy to do anything about it. I shouldn't have to blame others or my experiences for my demotivation.

Sometimes, I think that this all stems from pride. I don't want to look bad so I cover things up. I don't want to look selfish so I clam up. Self-love does not mean much -- I can only love myself if others can love me. And I know that they won't if they knew how I really am -- lazy, selfish, dishonest, incompetent.

I hate myself. I'm too proud to make and own up to mistakes, but too stupid to avoid them.

These flaws are horrible. They keep me awake at night and nag me every time I start to feel better. I've come to realize that the only thing that can make me feel better is myself but I'm in no state to do that, now or in the near future, I think. Logically, the next step is to just stop. I kind of want to do that, at least.
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