And the World will know

(lol, this is an old entry that I thought I posted but didn't -- still posting for documentation purposes because this is a pleasant memory <3)

Saw Newsies last Friday night with the Twins. IT WAS AMAZING AND IT REALLY IGNITED THE FEELS, FOR SEVERAL REASONS. There's nothing quite like watching a musical live and I never understood why people disliked them. To me, they're the ultimate kind of performance -- performers, for several days, need to stay in character, sing well, dance well, and make no mistakes. All this, while being face-to-face with a large audience whose reactions you can easily misconstrue as criticism. There are so many difficult elements to consider while performing in a musical and I am forever in awe of people who do it and do it well.

ANYWAY, back to the show. I first discovered Newsies in its OG 1992 film form, when I went on a Christian Bale marathon way back when. Although it was critically panned and effectively kept Senor Bale from performing in musicals forever, I actually quite liked this box office bomb for what it was -- a charming, choreography-charged musical about an adorable and scrappy group of boys who just wanted to make an honest living. Plus, the music was by Alan Menken -- what's not to love? Not being professional singers or dancers, the young cast did enough, in a High School Musical sort of way, to make the musical work (interestingly, it was directed by Kenny Ortega of HSM and the Descendants fame -- clearly, the Razzie meant nothing to him lol). A few years ago, Disney decided to make a stage musical of it, because Newsies had amassed a cult following of people who came to their senses over the years and they wanted to make money off of them. Because the standards of musical theater had evolved since then, a lot had to be changed -- lyrics were re-written, songs were rearranged, plot threads were revised, and the dances were almost completely redone. Casting adults in the roles of children may have put off some people, but it all paid off -- the musical got nominated for several Tony awards and managed to get the one for choreography (which is mindblowingly difficult to pull off WHILE singing -- it made perfect sense to cast adults lmao).

I had recently gotten into the OST of the musical recently (TY, Supergirl and Jeremy Jordan) and I became obsessed with the songs. I guess my Bale-goggles and the homoerotic tension of the 1992 movie got in the way of fully comprehending the lyrics because I do not remember being hit in the feels like this! They weren't just catchy anymore, they were uplifting and meaningful. The rewrite for Seize the Day is the best example -- apart from it being a rousing number capturing the passion of their baby union, it also included a verse that talked about standing up for their peers (no, their BROTHERS) who couldn't join them, however valid or selfish their reasons were. As someone who came from an activist university, I always disliked how exclusionary political parties were when it came to their activism. "Our way", "we started this", "join us or be a traitor" were just some of the choice sentiments that they embodied. After hearing so much of this disappointing, self-serving and negative propaganda before, it was refreshing to listen to something more posiive and inclusive.

Given all that, my expectations were set low for Newsies MNL. Don't get me wrong -- I love watching local productions of US musicals and I have enjoyed almost everything I've watched. But I've seen several productions here that would have been perfect, had the actors been more consistent in their singing and in affecting their character's way of speaking. Normally, you would have a few actors struggle with these two things and then a few who excel at them, leading to a good but uneven overall performance. Newsies is a story that is deeply rooted in 1800s working class New York so getting the little details right (the accents, the mannerisms etc) was just as important as dressing the actors in the right costumes. But I'm glad to say that regardless of how low or high my expectations were, the cast SLAYED the fuck out of this musical -- it was perfect in almost every way. It didn't matter that they were Asian-looking and that it took some suspension of belief to accept some of the guys as teens, they WERE news boys of 1899 New York city, with cheerleader-like acrobatics and soaring vocals. And for 1,600 php per ticket, front row and center? Investment returned, a thousand times over. I don't think I've ever walked out of a local performance feeling this satisfied and impressed since Avenue Q.

(Again, another super long entry. I need to practice restraint *thinks back to 1st year creative writing classes*)

Here's to your lovely eyes.

(no subject)

Wow, I think I've hit an all-time low -- I actually searched for a way to kill myself and make it look like an accident.

It's always a funny thing to share your feelings with another person and have them tell you that you're stronger than you think, that you could overcome something somehow and that it's not the end of the world. I guess I appreciate the encouragement but without meaning to, people sound hollow, like they're speaking from a place vastly different from my own. I don't mean to belittle everyone's support but as it is, it means nothing to me.

Drawing from "inner strength" is easier said than done tbh. Like, what if you don't have any? How do you even do that? I used to think that looking at my experience in relation to those who have it worse would help. But lately, I can't seem to think of anyone but myself. It's pathetic and I hate myself even more for it. The more I think about how my situation is actually better than others, the more I feel like a failure for not being able to rise above it, the way other people have done.

Though to be honest, among the few reasons I haven't done anything harmful to myself is fear of what people would think about my friends or my family. I would never want them to feel that they were inadequate because they're really not the issue here. I'm the one who keeps making mistakes, the one who can't learn, the one who is too stubborn or lazy to do anything about it. I shouldn't have to blame others or my experiences for my demotivation.

Sometimes, I think that this all stems from pride. I don't want to look bad so I cover things up. I don't want to look selfish so I clam up. Self-love does not mean much -- I can only love myself if others can love me. And I know that they won't if they knew how I really am -- lazy, selfish, dishonest, incompetent.

I hate myself. I'm too proud to make and own up to mistakes, but too stupid to avoid them.

These flaws are horrible. They keep me awake at night and nag me every time I start to feel better. I've come to realize that the only thing that can make me feel better is myself but I'm in no state to do that, now or in the near future, I think. Logically, the next step is to just stop. I kind of want to do that, at least.

(no subject)

I clearly don't know how to shut up or to deal with problems.

In the past two weeks, I've managed to ruin the most number of friendships I've ever ruined in my entire life, piss off an entire organization, let down my own organization and break the trust of an unknown number of people who matter. If there's a prize for most screw-ups in the shortest amount of time, my odds of clinching it are pretty good.

Call it inexperience or cowardice but I couldn't think of how to approach someone who I think does not want to talk to me. I don't want to brag but I didn't use to have many enemies, especially ones who I respect or fear -- dealing with them is a foreign concept. Right now, I realize that this should have been what I did first. However, I was weak and scared and I didn't know how to act so I followed my gut feeling. My first instinct was to tell someone I trust about how I feel. I know well enough that keeping things inside only makes things worse so I tried to confide in people who I thought could help me. So I did. It worked for a while until everything I've said came to bite me back in the ass.

I didn't share this with them to tell others. I kind of hoped that they would care for my feelings too, though, and valued the trust I put in them not to tell anyone else. Even before all this, I had a hard time trusting people and I experienced my first real brush with backstabbing just recently. However, I couldn't blame them for wanting to protect their other friends from my horrid thoughts. It would have been a lot less complicated if I wasn't so scared of confronting people about how they really felt about me. "Open communication is the key," is what I tell people who vent to me about similar problems. Why couldn't I follow my own advice? I don't know. I guess it's easier to dish out advice than to follow it, things are always easier said than done.

I suppose this is the consequence of having everything in your life go smoothly most of the time. It's probably the first time that I'm not on the receiving end of the rant-spectrum because I hardly ever go through things that merit any real comfort. I've seen so many friendships disintegrate in front of me and I always just thought that I would never have to go through that. There's an important lesson here and as painful as it is, now's a better time than any to learn it. Never mind that my birthday's coming soon or that I'm slated to graduate in two months. Never mind that my term in this org was so close to completion that I could have left it on a good note, with a good name. I deserve this for taking relationships for granted and for not knowing how to deal with things. Ignorance is never an excuse. I just wished that I didn't have to pay this large a price for it.


"Maybe they're just not the friends you want to be with."

Thanks, Isha. I've always thought this but it's comforting to hear it from someone else.

Although I never really lashed out on anyone in real life, I want to apologize for treating them horribly in this blog. Being cursed and spoken ill of is the last thing they deserve. It is neither their or my fault that we're not meant to be ultra-close BFFs. Sometimes, people just don't click and the best that can happen is civility (I have other bones to pick concerning this but I'll save it for a more negatively-charged post).

Sure, it hurts to be not included, to be left out in a group that I should "naturally" be a part of. I guess it's my karma for excluding Al out, every chance I got (not to say that I'd forgive him any time soon though). When I think of how I don't really belong, I still tear up a little at how we should have been really close friends. But again, a friendship is not something that requires a lot of work -- things like this just happen and I don't think there's any other viable course of action but to accept that we don't enjoy each other's company so much. I don't want to be friends just because it makes you feel guilty to leave me out -- I want us to be friends because you genuinely want me around. Unless it has repercussions on the way we conduct business, I should just accept things for what they are and try to be happy about other things.



Sometimes, I don't know whether I want advice or sympathy. When I have problems, I want to talk to people but I'm not entirely sure if I really want to be told what to do or just want someone to agree with me. I know it's always better to ask for the former but if I already feel terrible, don't I need to hear that I'm not wrong?

Whatever the case, one always needs a listening ear. I'm glad that I have a few, who know when to give me what I need, when I need it. Yes, they're busy with books and boys and their own baggage but I now know that they will always have time for me and that I would do anything to be there for them.

You are the weirdest people in the world and I love you so much.


Here's to your lovely eyes.

On Sensitivity

My first encounters with the LGBT community were pretty early.

My parents had some gay friends from work and Church that I would see every so often when it was bring-your-kid-to-work day. They were men who wore heels and fussed around with make-up. I found them quite strange but very friendly. They always said that my curly hair was great.

I was 8 years old when I saw a pair of high schoolers sucking on each other's necks in a dark corridor. At first, it was a bit shocking but the sight of anyone kissing or whatever was already a bit much for a kid that age. From then on, I had heard of busmates courting other girls and classmates having crushes on upperclassmen. Some had even tried their luck on FLAMES or MASH. Overalll, it was a peachy thing and it educated me more on the essentials of "crushing" and "falling in love" more than any romance movie did.

At 10, I began to read fanfiction and inevitably found myself reading fics where the characters turned out to be gay. That was some raunchy reading material. Since then, I had been very open-minded about people of the same sex, uh, having sex, especially if they were in love. After all, feelings are feelings no matter who you have feelings for.

In high school, my batchmates and friends were getting into all kinds of relationships. People would go to soirees and still keep their girlfriends. People would pay me to help them stalk their crushes. It was then I learned about how people really operated with feelings, regardless of anything. They were all pretty baliw but I guess I would be too, if I had to hide so much and put myself out there at the same time. And I also saw that how a phase for some people can be genuine for others and shouldn't be made fun of.

Now in college, I'm probably in the most open-minded place in the country. I learned that there was more to tibo, bakla and bisexual, and that there are about 210283 more classifications of gender, many of which I can find within my own circle of friends. I learned to be politically correct, like a whole new set of manners being taught to me. My stay in this university only adds to and confirms what I already know: that gender is fluid, that love is universal, that people cannot always find the strength to be who they are.

I don't know if it's the breeding or the opportunities I've been given. I don't know if it's the books I've read or the people I've met. I consider myself relatively open-minded and sensitive, and to be honest, it's not that hard. It's all about accepting that everyone is different and shouldn't have to always conform to societal norms to be good people. It's realizing that love transcends labels and that no one should be punished for feeling the way they do. It's understanding that people are not the way they are to disgust you or to demoralize the world. Basically, it's considering the feelings of those who are not as fortunate to be labeled "normal", even if they are every bit as human as we are.

I guess that's why I don't understand the disgust against the LGBT, especially by young people who are supposedly more open-minded than most. You can't fault people for wanting to marry if they're in love and want the security of marriage for their partner. You can't tell them their feelings are offensive when you are capable of feeling the same way towards other people. You can't be appalled when they tell you that they want to change who they are now to be someone they're meant to be, because be honest to yourself, you probably feel like that too sometimes. The Bible tells you that men and women are meant to be with each other? Sure, but it also tells you to love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Here are some things I'd like to clarify. Bisexuals are not gay people who are scared of "fully coming out". Transexuals and transgenders are not gays "taking it to the next level". Gays and lesbians are not abnormal freaks of nature. Gross is not the same as different.

It's very rare for me to write about something like this but hearing people my age seriously condemn others for being LGBT just hit a nerve. I'm just really disappointed.

Here's to your lovely eyes. 
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Fandom Crossover Meme 8D

I got bored lol =)) So I tried this meme 8D I have so many fandoms, I can only list stuff I see in my room haha

List down your top 20 favorite characters/peopleand their respective fan universes (more fandoms = more interesting fandom crossovers 8D try not to repeat for each fandom). DON'T READ/ANSWER THE QUESTIONS THAT FOLLOW UNTIL AFTER YOU FINISH YOUR LIST.

1. Kangin - Super Junior
2. Miles Edgeworh - Phoenix Wright
3. Mugen - Samurai Champloo
4. Mitsukuni Haninozuka - Ouran High School Host Club
5. Shuichi Nakatsu - Hanazakari no Kimitachi E
6. Elias - Noli Me Tangere
7. Hershel Layton - Professor Layton
8. Luigi Largo - Repo! the Genetic Opera
9.Remus Lupin - Harry Potter
10. Ryoga Hibiki - Ranma 1/2
11. The Oracle - W.I.T.C.H. --> SHADDAP, THERE'S A W.I.T.C.H. POSTER IN MY ROOM =))
12. Jumong - Jumong =))))
13. Kazunari Ninomiya - Arashi
14. JUDGE FROLLO - Hunchback of Notre Dame (HEY I FOUND THE VHS LOLOLOL)
15. Chase Young - Shaolin Showdown (uh... I also have a poster =)))
16. Edmund Pevensie - Chronicles of Narnia (poster...ehe)
17. Mark Cohen - RENT
18. Christmas Eve - Avenue Q
19. Song Woobin - Boys Over Flowers =))
20. Cho Hakkai - Saiyuki (it's the poster okaaaaay)

1) 5, 20 and 16 are stranded on a desert island together. They run out of food pretty quickly. Who is the first one to be eaten and why?

--> Edmund and his underage ass is first, then Nakatsu because he is a wuss :)) Hakkai will calmly cook them with a smile^^

2) 1 and 13 are a couple. What would they name their first child?

--> Kangin cheating on ME Leeteuk? I WILL NOT HAVE IT :|

3) 2, 15, 17, and 11 are your slaves. What would you have them do for you?

--> I love it. Edgeworth = personal butler, that would hurt his pride XD Chase = conqueror of the world, in my name XD Mark = uh... idk, foot stool?  The Oracle will bend fate for me mwahahahahaha

4) Would 6 and 9 have great sex?


5) Describe 3 in 3 words.

--> cool, irresponsible, awesome XD

6) 4, 8 and 12  are competing for your affection. Who has the best shot with you and why?

--> I love that they're all RICH $_$ Uh, but maybe Hani because Luigi is such a temperamental ass and Jumong has several wives -- I want to be number one!

7) 7 and 10 switched roles. What chaos would ensue?

--> I'm sure Layton can do martial arts because a gentleman can do anything but Ryoga solving puzzles = WTF WALA LAYTON'S WORLD WILL DIE

8) 14, 16 and 18 live in one home. Who is the father, mother and child and how's family life?


9) 8 and 19 switched genders. Would you ship them? How?

--> Well, they're still both guys XD But no, Woobin is mine XD Besides, Luigi's gonna slash his tummy if he goes "LESS MUBAW"

10) Describe a movie with 18, 15, and 9.

--> Pretty damn stupid O_O these people don't just mix

11) 20 and 2 are on a quest for the Holy Grail. Who would get there first and why?

--> Edgeworth. Because Hakkai's forever on a journey XD

12) 8, 14, 16 and 19 are the next F4. How does that work out?

--> Woobin's already F4 <3 Luigi is the Domyouji/Daomingtse/Junpyo because he's a hot-headed maniac, Frollo's the Rui/Lei/Jihoo because he has creeper inner desires XD But that would leave Edmund as the... playboy? O_O

13) What would you feel if 12 and 17 switched costumes? (Draw if you can 8D)


14) 1, 5 and 13 in a threesome. Y/N?

--> How is it possible that my real people favorites all get to be in this question? That said, YES =))) it would look interesting and film-able =))

15) Describe a scenario where 7, 11 and 17 get into a bar fight.

--> Mark stupidly walks in and Layton thinks of a puzzle related to... glasses. The Oracle solves and Layton is outraged so he slaps him like a true gentleman. Mark films it and... wtf, ayoko na I'm tired =))

16) 8 meets Chuck Norris. What happens?


17) Would you marry 5?

--> YES :">

18) Which of your friends would you ship with 14?


19) Regardless of gender, 4 is actually... your FATHER. What do you think of that?

--> No SHIT =)) Lol, I inherit his empire and cuteness ahihihi

20) TAG at least 5 people and spread this beautiful meme!

--> Mika, Alex, Denden, Sunny, Kara... I know you'll do better than me =))))))

Here's to your lovely eyes XD

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