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May. 19th, 2015

Great. It's time that this show stops making Oliver a bargain bin version of Batman. Bring out the ridiculous trick arrows lol

Mar. 5th, 2014

I clearly don't know how to shut up or to deal with problems.

In the past two weeks, I've managed to ruin the most number of friendships I've ever ruined in my entire life, piss off an entire organization, let down my own organization and break the trust of an unknown number of people who matter. If there's a prize for most screw-ups in the shortest amount of time, my odds of clinching it are pretty good.

Call it inexperience or cowardice but I couldn't think of how to approach someone who I think does not want to talk to me. I don't want to brag but I didn't use to have many enemies, especially ones who I respect or fear -- dealing with them is a foreign concept. Right now, I realize that this should have been what I did first. However, I was weak and scared and I didn't know how to act so I followed my gut feeling. My first instinct was to tell someone I trust about how I feel. I know well enough that keeping things inside only makes things worse so I tried to confide in people who I thought could help me. So I did. It worked for a while until everything I've said came to bite me back in the ass.

I didn't share this with them to tell others. I kind of hoped that they would care for my feelings too, though, and valued the trust I put in them not to tell anyone else. Even before all this, I had a hard time trusting people and I experienced my first real brush with backstabbing just recently. However, I couldn't blame them for wanting to protect their other friends from my horrid thoughts. It would have been a lot less complicated if I wasn't so scared of confronting people about how they really felt about me. "Open communication is the key," is what I tell people who vent to me about similar problems. Why couldn't I follow my own advice? I don't know. I guess it's easier to dish out advice than to follow it, things are always easier said than done.

I suppose this is the consequence of having everything in your life go smoothly most of the time. It's probably the first time that I'm not on the receiving end of the rant-spectrum because I hardly ever go through things that merit any real comfort. I've seen so many friendships disintegrate in front of me and I always just thought that I would never have to go through that. There's an important lesson here and as painful as it is, now's a better time than any to learn it. Never mind that my birthday's coming soon or that I'm slated to graduate in two months. Never mind that my term in this org was so close to completion that I could have left it on a good note, with a good name. I deserve this for taking relationships for granted and for not knowing how to deal with things. Ignorance is never an excuse. I just wished that I didn't have to pay this large a price for it.

Cakes

"Maybe they're just not the friends you want to be with."

Thanks, Isha. I've always thought this but it's comforting to hear it from someone else.

Although I never really lashed out on anyone in real life, I want to apologize for treating them horribly in this blog. Being cursed and spoken ill of is the last thing they deserve. It is neither their or my fault that we're not meant to be ultra-close BFFs. Sometimes, people just don't click and the best that can happen is civility (I have other bones to pick concerning this but I'll save it for a more negatively-charged post).


Sure, it hurts to be not included, to be left out in a group that I should "naturally" be a part of. I guess it's my karma for excluding Al out, every chance I got (not to say that I'd forgive him any time soon though). When I think of how I don't really belong, I still tear up a little at how we should have been really close friends. But again, a friendship is not something that requires a lot of work -- things like this just happen and I don't think there's any other viable course of action but to accept that we don't enjoy each other's company so much. I don't want to be friends just because it makes you feel guilty to leave me out -- I want us to be friends because you genuinely want me around. Unless it has repercussions on the way we conduct business, I should just accept things for what they are and try to be happy about other things.

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"Kylaaaaaaaaaugh..."

Sometimes, I don't know whether I want advice or sympathy. When I have problems, I want to talk to people but I'm not entirely sure if I really want to be told what to do or just want someone to agree with me. I know it's always better to ask for the former but if I already feel terrible, don't I need to hear that I'm not wrong?

Whatever the case, one always needs a listening ear. I'm glad that I have a few, who know when to give me what I need, when I need it. Yes, they're busy with books and boys and their own baggage but I now know that they will always have time for me and that I would do anything to be there for them.

You are the weirdest people in the world and I love you so much.

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Here's to your lovely eyes.

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