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Wow, I think I've hit an all-time low -- I actually searched for a way to kill myself and make it look like an accident.

It's always a funny thing to share your feelings with another person and have them tell you that you're stronger than you think, that you could overcome something somehow and that it's not the end of the world. I guess I appreciate the encouragement but without meaning to, people sound hollow, like they're speaking from a place vastly different from my own. I don't mean to belittle everyone's support but as it is, it means nothing to me.

Drawing from "inner strength" is easier said than done tbh. Like, what if you don't have any? How do you even do that? I used to think that looking at my experience in relation to those who have it worse would help. But lately, I can't seem to think of anyone but myself. It's pathetic and I hate myself even more for it. The more I think about how my situation is actually better than others, the more I feel like a failure for not being able to rise above it, the way other people have done.

Though to be honest, among the few reasons I haven't done anything harmful to myself is fear of what people would think about my friends or my family. I would never want them to feel that they were inadequate because they're really not the issue here. I'm the one who keeps making mistakes, the one who can't learn, the one who is too stubborn or lazy to do anything about it. I shouldn't have to blame others or my experiences for my demotivation.

Sometimes, I think that this all stems from pride. I don't want to look bad so I cover things up. I don't want to look selfish so I clam up. Self-love does not mean much -- I can only love myself if others can love me. And I know that they won't if they knew how I really am -- lazy, selfish, dishonest, incompetent.

I hate myself. I'm too proud to make and own up to mistakes, but too stupid to avoid them.

These flaws are horrible. They keep me awake at night and nag me every time I start to feel better. I've come to realize that the only thing that can make me feel better is myself but I'm in no state to do that, now or in the near future, I think. Logically, the next step is to just stop. I kind of want to do that, at least.
Great. It's time that this show stops making Oliver a bargain bin version of Batman. Bring out the ridiculous trick arrows lol

Mar. 5th, 2014

I clearly don't know how to shut up or to deal with problems.

In the past two weeks, I've managed to ruin the most number of friendships I've ever ruined in my entire life, piss off an entire organization, let down my own organization and break the trust of an unknown number of people who matter. If there's a prize for most screw-ups in the shortest amount of time, my odds of clinching it are pretty good.

Call it inexperience or cowardice but I couldn't think of how to approach someone who I think does not want to talk to me. I don't want to brag but I didn't use to have many enemies, especially ones who I respect or fear -- dealing with them is a foreign concept. Right now, I realize that this should have been what I did first. However, I was weak and scared and I didn't know how to act so I followed my gut feeling. My first instinct was to tell someone I trust about how I feel. I know well enough that keeping things inside only makes things worse so I tried to confide in people who I thought could help me. So I did. It worked for a while until everything I've said came to bite me back in the ass.

I didn't share this with them to tell others. I kind of hoped that they would care for my feelings too, though, and valued the trust I put in them not to tell anyone else. Even before all this, I had a hard time trusting people and I experienced my first real brush with backstabbing just recently. However, I couldn't blame them for wanting to protect their other friends from my horrid thoughts. It would have been a lot less complicated if I wasn't so scared of confronting people about how they really felt about me. "Open communication is the key," is what I tell people who vent to me about similar problems. Why couldn't I follow my own advice? I don't know. I guess it's easier to dish out advice than to follow it, things are always easier said than done.

I suppose this is the consequence of having everything in your life go smoothly most of the time. It's probably the first time that I'm not on the receiving end of the rant-spectrum because I hardly ever go through things that merit any real comfort. I've seen so many friendships disintegrate in front of me and I always just thought that I would never have to go through that. There's an important lesson here and as painful as it is, now's a better time than any to learn it. Never mind that my birthday's coming soon or that I'm slated to graduate in two months. Never mind that my term in this org was so close to completion that I could have left it on a good note, with a good name. I deserve this for taking relationships for granted and for not knowing how to deal with things. Ignorance is never an excuse. I just wished that I didn't have to pay this large a price for it.