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Mar. 5th, 2014

kangin
I clearly don't know how to shut up or to deal with problems.

In the past two weeks, I've managed to ruin the most number of friendships I've ever ruined in my entire life, piss off an entire organization, let down my own organization and break the trust of an unknown number of people who matter. If there's a prize for most screw-ups in the shortest amount of time, my odds of clinching it are pretty good.

Call it inexperience or cowardice but I couldn't think of how to approach someone who I think does not want to talk to me. I don't want to brag but I didn't use to have many enemies, especially ones who I respect or fear -- dealing with them is a foreign concept. Right now, I realize that this should have been what I did first. However, I was weak and scared and I didn't know how to act so I followed my gut feeling. My first instinct was to tell someone I trust about how I feel. I know well enough that keeping things inside only makes things worse so I tried to confide in people who I thought could help me. So I did. It worked for a while until everything I've said came to bite me back in the ass.

I didn't share this with them to tell others. I kind of hoped that they would care for my feelings too, though, and valued the trust I put in them not to tell anyone else. Even before all this, I had a hard time trusting people and I experienced my first real brush with backstabbing just recently. However, I couldn't blame them for wanting to protect their other friends from my horrid thoughts. It would have been a lot less complicated if I wasn't so scared of confronting people about how they really felt about me. "Open communication is the key," is what I tell people who vent to me about similar problems. Why couldn't I follow my own advice? I don't know. I guess it's easier to dish out advice than to follow it, things are always easier said than done.

I suppose this is the consequence of having everything in your life go smoothly most of the time. It's probably the first time that I'm not on the receiving end of the rant-spectrum because I hardly ever go through things that merit any real comfort. I've seen so many friendships disintegrate in front of me and I always just thought that I would never have to go through that. There's an important lesson here and as painful as it is, now's a better time than any to learn it. Never mind that my birthday's coming soon or that I'm slated to graduate in two months. Never mind that my term in this org was so close to completion that I could have left it on a good note, with a good name. I deserve this for taking relationships for granted and for not knowing how to deal with things. Ignorance is never an excuse. I just wished that I didn't have to pay this large a price for it.

Cakes

kangin
"Maybe they're just not the friends you want to be with."

Thanks, Isha. I've always thought this but it's comforting to hear it from someone else.

Although I never really lashed out on anyone in real life, I want to apologize for treating them horribly in this blog. Being cursed and spoken ill of is the last thing they deserve. It is neither their or my fault that we're not meant to be ultra-close BFFs. Sometimes, people just don't click and the best that can happen is civility (I have other bones to pick concerning this but I'll save it for a more negatively-charged post).


Sure, it hurts to be not included, to be left out in a group that I should "naturally" be a part of. I guess it's my karma for excluding Al out, every chance I got (not to say that I'd forgive him any time soon though). When I think of how I don't really belong, I still tear up a little at how we should have been really close friends. But again, a friendship is not something that requires a lot of work -- things like this just happen and I don't think there's any other viable course of action but to accept that we don't enjoy each other's company so much. I don't want to be friends just because it makes you feel guilty to leave me out -- I want us to be friends because you genuinely want me around. Unless it has repercussions on the way we conduct business, I should just accept things for what they are and try to be happy about other things.

--

"Kylaaaaaaaaaugh..."

Sometimes, I don't know whether I want advice or sympathy. When I have problems, I want to talk to people but I'm not entirely sure if I really want to be told what to do or just want someone to agree with me. I know it's always better to ask for the former but if I already feel terrible, don't I need to hear that I'm not wrong?

Whatever the case, one always needs a listening ear. I'm glad that I have a few, who know when to give me what I need, when I need it. Yes, they're busy with books and boys and their own baggage but I now know that they will always have time for me and that I would do anything to be there for them.

You are the weirdest people in the world and I love you so much.

--

Here's to your lovely eyes.

Tags:

On Sensitivity

kangin
My first encounters with the LGBT community were pretty early.

My parents had some gay friends from work and Church that I would see every so often when it was bring-your-kid-to-work day. They were men who wore heels and fussed around with make-up. I found them quite strange but very friendly. They always said that my curly hair was great.

I was 8 years old when I saw a pair of high schoolers sucking on each other's necks in a dark corridor. At first, it was a bit shocking but the sight of anyone kissing or whatever was already a bit much for a kid that age. From then on, I had heard of busmates courting other girls and classmates having crushes on upperclassmen. Some had even tried their luck on FLAMES or MASH. Overalll, it was a peachy thing and it educated me more on the essentials of "crushing" and "falling in love" more than any romance movie did.

At 10, I began to read fanfiction and inevitably found myself reading fics where the characters turned out to be gay. That was some raunchy reading material. Since then, I had been very open-minded about people of the same sex, uh, having sex, especially if they were in love. After all, feelings are feelings no matter who you have feelings for.

In high school, my batchmates and friends were getting into all kinds of relationships. People would go to soirees and still keep their girlfriends. People would pay me to help them stalk their crushes. It was then I learned about how people really operated with feelings, regardless of anything. They were all pretty baliw but I guess I would be too, if I had to hide so much and put myself out there at the same time. And I also saw that how a phase for some people can be genuine for others and shouldn't be made fun of.

Now in college, I'm probably in the most open-minded place in the country. I learned that there was more to tibo, bakla and bisexual, and that there are about 210283 more classifications of gender, many of which I can find within my own circle of friends. I learned to be politically correct, like a whole new set of manners being taught to me. My stay in this university only adds to and confirms what I already know: that gender is fluid, that love is universal, that people cannot always find the strength to be who they are.

I don't know if it's the breeding or the opportunities I've been given. I don't know if it's the books I've read or the people I've met. I consider myself relatively open-minded and sensitive, and to be honest, it's not that hard. It's all about accepting that everyone is different and shouldn't have to always conform to societal norms to be good people. It's realizing that love transcends labels and that no one should be punished for feeling the way they do. It's understanding that people are not the way they are to disgust you or to demoralize the world. Basically, it's considering the feelings of those who are not as fortunate to be labeled "normal", even if they are every bit as human as we are.

I guess that's why I don't understand the disgust against the LGBT, especially by young people who are supposedly more open-minded than most. You can't fault people for wanting to marry if they're in love and want the security of marriage for their partner. You can't tell them their feelings are offensive when you are capable of feeling the same way towards other people. You can't be appalled when they tell you that they want to change who they are now to be someone they're meant to be, because be honest to yourself, you probably feel like that too sometimes. The Bible tells you that men and women are meant to be with each other? Sure, but it also tells you to love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Here are some things I'd like to clarify. Bisexuals are not gay people who are scared of "fully coming out". Transexuals and transgenders are not gays "taking it to the next level". Gays and lesbians are not abnormal freaks of nature. Gross is not the same as different.

It's very rare for me to write about something like this but hearing people my age seriously condemn others for being LGBT just hit a nerve. I'm just really disappointed.

Here's to your lovely eyes.